


Why I Love You

by phenomenology



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Body Dysmorphia, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, THIS IS A THING, and kanan tells her all the reasons why he loves her, bascially hera is self conscious, subtext: calling out the media for being shitty with body positivity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-28 05:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8433376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phenomenology/pseuds/phenomenology
Summary: Hera and Kanan get drunk (pre-Rebels era) and address some of Hera's insecurities.





	

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY so long story short: I was going through all my unfinished drafts and found this ancient little thing. Liz and I discussed this concept literal AGES ago and I never fucking finished it but now here it is! Enjoy!

Initially, Hera had been against the alcohol being involved. But Kanan had convinced her that if she were with him, things wouldn’t get out of hand.

So she had caved.

Their most recent mission had taken almost two weeks to complete, and they were both running on fumes at this point. The whole operation had almost been entirely and royally fucked up at the very end. They were just lucky that Hera was so good at doing damage control.

Almost as soon as they had gotten back to the _Ghost_ , Kanan had retreated to his cabin and changed out of his “borrowed” Imperial uniform. Hera had gone into her cabin to drop off some of the more uncomfortable pieces of her outfit. After leaving her gloves, boots, and helmet back in her room, Hera wandered through the ship. Dragging her exhausted limbs into the galley, the pilot secured the top half of her suit around her waist, tying the sleeves together in a sturdy knot at her stomach.

It was at this point that she found Kanan sitting sprawled on the soft cushions of the sofa in the common room. A bottle of Corellian brandy stood beside two glasses on the table.

“Oh, no you don’t mister,” Hera said, alarm coursing through her as she moved to grab at the bottle. She knew about Kanan’s past experiences with alcohol. Briefly, the Twi’lek wondered what might have triggered Kanan during their mission that would bring this on.

“Hera,” Kanan spoke softly, voice heavy and slow. Hera was sure that he meant to sound reassuring, but instead he just sounded tired. His voice made her pause, her hand lowering down to her side as she eyed him expectantly. 

“It’s alright. I just thought maybe we could use a couple drinks after that mission. You know, just to loosen up.”

Hera hesitated, her fingers twitching by her side. Instinctively, she itched to reach out and take the bottle away. Maybe throw it out the air lock. Or better yet, she could smash it over Chopper’s annoying little head. The dumb droid hadn’t met them at the rendezvous like he was ordered. That little slip up had been the cause for nearly blowing the whole mission.

“Wait a minute,” Hera shook her head, eyeing the bottle. “Where did you even get that? Isn’t Corellian brandy ridiculously expensive?” She didn’t really care all that much. Hera just wanted to avoid giving Kanan an answer.

Kanan feigned an innocent look and gave Hera a half-hearted shrug.

“I may or may not have swiped this from the stock room during the mission. I figured that the Empire could do with one less bottle of brandy. However, I think we could certainly put this to good use.”

Just to taunt her further, Kanan picked up the bottle and waggled it at her, raising his eyebrows expectantly.

Sighing, Hera’s lekku twitched with mild annoyance against her shoulders. Her stupid companion always knew how to get to her. Grumbling, Hera gave her consent.

“Fine, luv,” she puffed out, sliding onto the cushions beside Kanan. “We’ll do this your way. But only a couple drinks. We’ve still got to report in to Fulcrum tomorrow afternoon.”

“Of course,” Kanan drawled, pouring the brandy into the two glasses. Handing one over to Hera, they clinked their cups together before tossing back the purplish liquid in unison.

Kanan downed half of his glass in one gulp.

Hera on the other hand, only managed about a fourth of her glass, her headtails shivering as the sweet alcohol warmed her throat. She wasn’t one to usually drink, so every intoxicating beverage was a new experience for her.

She must have looked pleased with the taste because Hera caught Kanan smiling at her from over the rim of his glass. Suddenly feeling self conscious about her lack of experience with consuming alcohol, Hera started to down another portion of her glass. The taste again drew a pleased shudder from her lekku. She could feel the flush beginning to tinge her cheeks.

As Kanan poured each of them another drink, Hera eyed him suspiciously. Usually when he tried to turn to alcohol, it meant something was bothering him. Taking a lengthy pull from her glass, Hera contemplated asking him about it.

Setting down her cup, Hera decided that it would be better to ask him now rather than later. Before she could even open her mouth, however, Kanan was already cutting her off.

“I know what you’re going to ask,” he said, looking at her knowingly. There was a light pink flush to his cheeks from the brandy. Hera figured she was probably as flushed as he was, too.

“But nothing is wrong,” the Jedi continued. “I just thought that we deserve this for once. That mission was…” Kanan paused, his brow furrowing in his attempt at finding the appropriate word. 

“Stressful,” he finally decided on. “To say the least, that is.”

Hera scoffed, finishing off her second helping of brandy. “That, dear, is quite a big understatement.” Pushing a finger into his chest, she raised her eyebrows at him. “And you know it.”

Kanan chuckled, the deep vibration reverberating in Hera’s finger where it was still pressed against Kanan’s sternum. Noting that she still had to look up at him, even when they were seated, Hera flattened her palm against her partner’s chest.

Beneath the material of Kanan’s soft cotton shirt, Hera could feel the Jedi’s slightly erratic heartbeat. His chest was sturdy and solid beneath her hand. Somehow he still amazed her with his simple strength, even after all the time they had spent together. The cotton of the shirt was warm from Kanan’s body heat, and it made Hera’s skin tingle.

Or maybe that was the alcohol in her system.

Either way, Hera didn’t really care. The ship was quiet with just the two of them on board. It was warm and comfortable and they were starting to feel the buzz from the brandy.

Everything seemed warmer to Hera, the room, the cushions on the sofa, and Kanan’s shirt beneath her fingers. Even Kanan seemed much warmer than normal.

_Must be the alcohol._ Hera reassured herself.

Hera noticed that Kanan’s hand was moving towards the brandy bottle, his fingers a little shaky. Those brilliant blue-green eyes of his that Hera loved, but would never admit just how much, stayed fixed on her.

“How about one more drink and then we head to bed?” Kanan asked, voice soft and raspy.

The tips of Hera’s lekku twitched towards each other at the sound of his voice. She didn’t trust herself enough to speak so she settled for a simple nod.

* * *

The next thing she knew, Hera and Kanan were tangled in each other’s limbs on Kanan’s bunk. Hera had a moment of panic before realizing that they were hardly in any sort of compromising situation. In fact, they were both still fully clothed in what they had been in earlier. She calmed her nerves and started to try and assess the situation through her buzz.

Hera had claimed one of Kanan’s arms as her pillow, his other arm draped over her and holding her close. With her face pressed into his chest, she couldn’t exactly look around but she could feel their legs tangled together, covered by Kanan’s sheets. The close proximity caused Hera’s nerves to become hyper aware, despite the alcohol trying to make everything fuzzy.

Kanan was warm, his limbs enveloping her into a personal furnace. The warmth was not unpleasant; in fact it was incredible. Burrowing deeper into his chest, Hera could faintly feel the steady beat of Kanan’s heart against his ribs.

Her movement prompted Kanan’s arms to squeeze her against him. The motion was reassuring, as if the simple gesture whispered to Hera that she was safe inside his hold. Kanan’s lips were pressed against the crown of her head, not doing anything, just simply resting there. His warm breath skimmed across her bare scalp with each exhale, eliciting small shivers from Hera every now and then.

It took Hera a few moments to think past the overwhelming feelings of simple pleasure and security to notice the odd feeling on her lekku. The arm Kanan had draped over Hera was so he could reach her lekku. His fingers were running up and down her headtails, tracing along the pale tattoo markings.

For a moment Hera was tempted to simply lie there and allow him to continue. She couldn’t deny the fact that his feather-light touch felt incredible. However, upon realizing that her lekku had become entwined involuntarily, Hera twitched, startled at the subconscious gesture.

Kanan moved his hand away from her lekku, relocating the soft tracing movement to her back in an effort to calm her.

“Sorry,” Hera heard Kanan mutter groggily. She wasn’t entirely convinced that he was fully conscious.

That brandy had had more of an effect than Hera thought it would. Her head felt as if it was stuffed with cotton. Her limbs felt heavy and slow whenever she tried to move them.

She was going to get Kanan back for this.

Stretching her neck, Hera’s lips found their way to his throat. His skin was soft and comfortably warm, his pulse gently beating against her slightly parted lips. Pressing a chaste kiss to his neck, Hera smirked slightly when she felt him shudder against her. 

“I could beat the shit out of you,” she whispered to him, her lips skimming over the delicate skin of Kanan’s neck as she spoke. Kanan’s arms tightened around her, his breath catching audibly.

“I know,” came Kanan’s hoarse reply.

Satisfied with herself, Hera chuckled and squirmed around for a moment to loosen Kanan’s grip on her. When she had the freedom to, Hera flipped herself over onto her other side, pressing her back into Kanan’s chest.

Kanan’s arm slid around her mid-section. The weight of his arm settled against her stomach, his fingers resting lightly on a strip of exposed skin where her shirt had ridden up. She automatically tensed up a bit, the sensation unfamiliar. She could feel Kanan’s soft laugh against the back of her neck, his breath warm.

“What are you laughing at?” she grumbled quietly.

“Are you ticklish?” Kanan teased, his voice still slightly slurred.

Hera didn’t really want to answer that question but she knew that if she didn’t, she would still be answering it. Pressing her lips into a tight line, she was suddenly very glad that Kanan couldn’t see the flush on her face.

“I’ll take your silence as a yes,” Kanan said, his tone drawling on the last word. His hand started to roam across her stomach, fingertips dragging softly against Hera’s soft, sensitive belly.

Letting out an unintended squeak, Hera twitched violently and pressed backwards into Kanan’s chest in an attempt to escape his hand. He chased after her, his chuckles filling the cabin as Hera tried to squirm away from Kanan.

“Don’t you dare!” Hera squeaked out, arching her back. “Don’t do that! Stop it!”

There was a hint of laughter behind her squeaks, but there was also something else. It almost sounded like annoyance. But Kanan was so out of it that he couldn’t really register the emotion in Hera’s voice as his hand chased after her again.

“Kanan, enough!” Hera eventually shouted, finally catching his drunken attention. Hera’s face was drawn with pain, her eyes watering and sparkling with fright and anger. The Twi’lek sat near the edge of Kanan’s bunk, curled in on herself and refusing to make eye contact with him.

“Hera?” Kanan asked, the buzz beginning to wear off through the concern. In the couple years he had spent with Hera so far, Kanan had never seen her act this way.

“What’s wrong?” Kanan asked softly, sitting up and readjusting his position so he sat comfortably next to her. The blankets were hopelessly tangled and rumpled beneath them. Kanan cautiously extended his hand, resting it gently on Hera’s knee.

“I’m sorry, what did I do to upset you?” Kanan whispered, his voice splitting the tense silence filling the cabin. He started to rub small circles into the worn fabric of Hera’s flight suit where it covered her knee. Kanan’s thumb stumbled over the loose folds of the material, but he kept up the soothing movement anyway.

When Hera kept up her silence, Kanan whispered her name again. “Hera?” Reaching out with his other hand, Kanan tipped Hera’s chin up with his fingers, somewhat surprised at her lack of resistance. 

“Hera look at me, please,” Kanan said softly. “I need you to tell me what’s wrong.”

Hera stayed quiet for so long that Kanan was beginning to think that she was just going to flat out ignore him. Eventually she looked up, her eyes finally meeting his. Kanan never would have associated the words ‘shy’ and ‘scared’ with any sort of look that Hera could give him, but there it was. The emotions were clearly displayed on Hera’s features, startling her companion.

“It’s not a big deal,” Hera managed to mumble out. “You just surprised me, that’s all.”

“I know you’re lying to me, Hera,” Kanan sighed, trying not to let his exasperation show through. He couldn’t understand why she was being so reluctant, especially after how close they had become.

“I don’t expect you to understand,” Hera very nearly snapped at Kanan.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Kanan asked, bewilderment lacing his tone.

“I don’t expect you to understand the feeling of hating yourself!” Hera burst out. “I don't expect you to comprehend how hard I have to work simply to overcome an institutionalized stereotype that I have no control over!” Huffing out a sigh, Hera’s mental barriers seemed to have crumbled as she spoke rapidly, hands gesturing wildly.

“Every day I spend travelling around on any planet that isn’t my own is like walking through a mine field. The constant stares, the greedy looks, the terror I have to mask every single time I walk past an alleyway or a bar or something like that. There are entire sections of some cities that I have to mentally prepare myself to go into to, Kanan! So I don’t expect you to understand the fact that I’m so disgusted by the sexualization of my species that I can’t even tolerate someone I don’t trust seeing any part of my skin!”

Hera had completely dissolved into tears at this point, the energy draining out of her limbs as she dropped her head into her hands. Her shoulders racked with the force of muffled sobs. Kanan was left to sit beside her, stiff with utter shock. 

A moment passed before he pushed aside the feeling and enveloped Hera in his arms. He pulled her close, pressing her against his chest as his lips left a soft kiss on her temple.

“How can you even love me?” Hera whispered, her broken voice so soft that Kanan almost missed it. “What do you see in me besides my species’ stereotype?” 

“Oh, Hera,” Kanan said, his voice filled with nearly just as much pain as hers. Rubbing his hand delicately up and down her forearm, Kanan kissed her temple again. “There is so much more to you than you know. To start with the obvious, you’re an incredible pilot. You care so much about people you have never met. You are selfless and independent and so, so strong.”

Kanan punctured every trait he mentioned with another kiss to Hera’s temple, her cheek, her nose, her forehead. Kanan needed Hera to understand just how amazing she was, and he would go to the farthest corners of the galaxy to make sure she did.

“You are patient,” a kiss to her temple. 

“Intelligent,” a kiss to her cheek.

“You are courageous, loving, and sweet,” a trail of kisses from her jawline to her lips. At her lips, Kanan lingered for a few moments longer than before. When he pulled back, Hera’s eyes had fluttered shut and she seemed to chase after his retreating lips for a second. Opening her eyes, Kanan could see the tears threatening to spill over. A few stray teardrops clung to her lashes. As Kanan gently brushed them away, Hera stayed quiet and watched his face.

Tracing the plump edge of Hera’s lower lip with his thumb, Kanan continued. “I’m not sure I ever told you this, but the first thing about you that I fell in love with was your voice. Before I ever laid eyes on you, before I even knew you, I loved your voice.”

Craning his neck downward, Kanan left a chaste kiss against Hera’s lips, taking a moment at the very end to catch her lower lip between his teeth and give it a gentle tug. Kanan had to suppress his smirk when that pulled a little moan from Hera.

“I know you can sing, I’ve heard you before. You have a beautiful voice and a lovely soul. You radiate like nothing and no one that I have ever seen before, Hera. I just need you to know,” Kanan released his hold on Hera, taking her face in his hands and looking her directly in those beautiful green eyes. 

“Before any stereotype that others may see, those are the reasons why I love you.”

Hera stayed silent, her lips slightly parted as her tearful eyes searched Kanan’s. A small hiccup escaped her, the harbinger for her complete breakdown. Kanan gently gathered Hera’s trembling form in his arms, holding her securely against his chest. Rubbing his hand up and down her back in a steady, soothing rhythm. He shushed her softly, rocking back and forth slightly as Hera continued to sob into his chest. Kanan knew that she had to get it out of her system, so he just held her close.

Eventually the Twi’lek tired herself out with crying and the pair scooted back up towards the pillow waiting for them. Pulling the blankets up and around them like before, Kanan kept Hera close to his chest, fingers tracing comforting patterns across Hera’s shoulder blades. He continued to whisper sweet nothing to Hera, reminding her of their shared moments, of the things he loved about her, until she fell asleep peacefully in his arms.

Kissing the crown of Hera’s head one last time before following her to unconsciousness, Kanan whispered against her warm skin, “I love you, Hera Syndulla.”


End file.
